The luxury of having a friend is not for me. I rely on the fourth, thank you very much. Quite often this is not enough to sustain the emotional trauma I have to go through. I was roaming the internet, business as usual, when I came across a blog that asked readers to dive into their subconsciousness. Despite what I may say about myself, I do try to get out of my ‘predicament’ from time to time. That day I sat on my favourite sofa and began pondering the state I was in.
Things weren’t looking so good. The dream, the recurring sense of suffocation and the general gloom all pointed towards a problem that lied within my ‘processor’. With great courage, I stood up and went out of the room. I was going to change things. From now on, I did not need to be sad, at least not by choice.
The world outside was different on that day. The only thing that had changed was my perspective about it. This fine tuning had brought out the colors of my surroundings nicely. The first thing that occurred to me was the impulse to go to a public park. Public parks were different from what they had been a few years ago. Now they were well maintained, groomed and teemed with life. I sat on a chair that was a testament to ‘pigeon graffiti’. After a few minutes a young man came along and nodded for my permission to sit. I nodded in affirmative and there we were.
“You seem to be in a bind.” He smiled.
I was speechless, spontaneous conversations were difficult outside of my dreams. I effectively pinched my self by hitting my elbow against the back of the chair. I didn’t wake up; finally, Human Contact.
“You can call it that.” I tried to smile, I heard it was always nice to smile to strangers.
“Can I help in any way?” he offered.
“I am not sure how, I would really appreciate it though.” I replied with my fore head furrowed like that of a chess player.
“Ah, that means it is a problem of the spirit.” he put his elbow on the back of the chair and faced me.
“Well, obviously, if it were something physical, I would have seen a doctor or something.” I shrugged. Panic began to set in as I prepared to put my life on his examination table. How could this hurt? I was going to confide in a stranger in a non specific way, no prejudice, no forethought, no holds barred, honest opinions.
“Tell me about it.” he smiled. My heart cracked, was this a dream. Was I going to commit some sort of suicide. The setting was ideal for seppuku.
“I am having night mares about killing myself.” I inhaled.
“So.” He replied casually. The only thing that could have been worse was him taking a casual bite out of an apple.
I was silent. No emotion. For the first time a part of me cried for some attention. It was a rare thing indeed. The majority, the part that has always been in control, disagreed.
“Nothing.” was all that I could say.
“Don’t worry bud, just joking, of course it’s a big deal. No man has to admit that he wants to kill himself.” he smiled with an attempt to show some shame.
“I never said I wanted it, I dreamt about it. ” I clarified.
“It’s almost the same, ” he replied, “by the way, why do you want to do it?”
“I don’t know, impulse I guess.” The answer in itself was impulsive.
“Can I help you?” he asked.
“Excuse me,” I was almost furious, “you are asking me if you can help me.”
“No my dear dear friend, the question is not if I can, the question is if you want it to happen.”
There was an awkward silence. The awkwardness extended by every second that passed. For some times the surroundings came into perspective. The birds chirping, passers-by, the strange cloud in the sky that looked like Abraham Lincoln, the heart beats magnified by the strange and sudden bout of simultaneous introversion and extroversion.
After some time I replied, “Yes.”
A smile sailed across his face, he thrust his hand forwards,”What’s your name?”
“No names for now. We will meet on this bench daily and try to work some thing out.” I clarified.
He whistled in disbelief. “OK! Done deal. The end point is going to be when I finally make you smile.”
“Or when I kill myself.” I smiled.